The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
