I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
