I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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