I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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