my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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