who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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