who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
