Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Idk if I want to put a bra on
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
