So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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