you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
