are you so shy because you have an std?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
