the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
