Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
