Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't deserve a penis
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
