i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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