A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
