I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
