I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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