it's too hot outside to masturbate.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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