dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize