Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
