Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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