new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
