there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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