i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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