Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
