She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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