I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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