the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
