Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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