You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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