It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
