there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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