He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
