im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
