You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
