My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
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I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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