Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
