Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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