I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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