just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
