We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
