I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
