Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
