You just made me feel so damn special
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
