im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
