On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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