Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
