No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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