if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
