My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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