She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
