He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
