i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
