I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
