last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
