the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
