Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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