and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
