She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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