"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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